4 posts tagged “upset”

My entire world crumbled tonight, and I'm quite sure that there's no happy way to fix this.

I feel like puking.

But-

The notes yesterday helped. A lot. I hate to even share things like that on my blog. I don't want to be a bellyacher, and I don't want people to worry about me. But, sometimes I just can't take it anymore. I spend sooo much time trying to get that light, and days like yesterday just leave it blacked out completely.

I have been trying to focus on the good today. I'm not doing the best job, to be honest.

But to try, I finished a repeat on the scarf today. And it's coming along nicely still.

I get to take Friday off so that I can have someone come out to look at my oven. And get quotes to maybe get A/C in my house. Both of these things will be nice. I can make cupcakes again. That will be happy.

So. Those are my two happy things for today.

I spend a lot of my time trying to be happy while making others happy. This is a hard feat. I've decided as of, let's say, last week that you have to choose who you want to make happy. Sometimes you make these really smart decisions about doing something for the good of all, and then sometimes you have to say, "I am totally shooting myself in the foot on this, but in the long run, I'll be the happy one."

I'm thinking that now is that time for me. I have to cut my foot off to be happy. There are so many options, but they all really read the same when you get down to it. So, left foot? Right foot? Either way, I'd be screwed. You cannot really drive stick shift without having both feet in good, proper working manner.

And so, today I'm making a nice little declaration and I hope that tomorrow, when I wake up and face the day, I'll feel the same way about it:

I'm in debt because of school and I'm really pissed off about it. I feel that my parents should have given me the advantage of financial support while I tried to get the education that they brainwashed me (along with many others in my life) into thinking was important. I'm also pissed, that in seeing how depressed I was in continuing my education at the school of lame art and suicidal thoughts, that no one bothered to suggest to me that I drop out. I'd suggested it to myself time and time again. Three or so times daily, I'd say, and all it took was one person to suggest it, and that was it. I knew it was okay to quit. But, I quit too late, and was robbed of more than I see in a year's work of painful work at whatever place I decide to be employed at for the current moment. Then there are other things that stress me out. They make me toss and turn and not sleep at night, or sleep the day away, depending on my level of stress at that time. I'm still not sure which is worse - sleeping or not sleeping. I'm pissed that half the kids in this country are handed everything they bother to reach their arms out for, and I struggle with the things I need, busting my ass to get them all along the way. Only to then be called out by my parents for putting myself into debt and making decisions that can wait until a few years from now. Well, that's absolute bull shit. As I've learned, no one will ever help with the things that I truly want and aspire to have unless I help myself first. Even then, I am most likely to find myself standing up a creek that I'm not sure had as rough of waters when I started to row. But, what good is life if you don't actually live it, right?